I dedicate this reflection to my loved ones passed. And most recently (10.17.14), my great uncle F. Charles Froelicher (a newly found family support post-mother’s death), who believed in me and supported me as I made the leap to become a Dance/Movement Therapist.

Changing is not just changing the things outside of us. First of all we need the right view that transcends all notions including of being and non-being, creator and creature, mind and spirit. That kind of insight is crucial for transformation and healing

~*~Thich Nhat Hanh ~*~

I have been struggling with finding the right words to express the many feelings and experiences I have been having for the past 11 months.  Twenty-fourteen was just a continuation of twenty-thirteen’s life shattering challenges and, finally, I’m beginning to see the patterns in the broken glass around me.  I am finding that there is beauty and bravery in looking at the broken pieces and understanding how they came to shape.  Among the chards of experience, there lays the glue made of truth, resilience, self-worth, a slew of emotions, inspiration and dreams.  I believe there are also unknown ingredients calling to be discovered, which I imagine will take the rest of my life to find.

The last I wrote I was one week away from giving a TED talk at a school my aunt teaches at in Greenwich, CT.  Days later I passed on this opportunity as I fell into a deep sadness.  Everything just felt more difficult when I’d get caught in the undertow.  School needed all of my energy and there were others who depleted it, including my own psyche.  I am gradually making the shift to focus on what I was set out to do and take a step back from things and people who are blocking that progress.  This also means getting out of my own damn way.

I’m grateful for this newly formed sense of self.  I’ve caught glimpses of *me* throughout the years but I’ve never been forced to look this closely.  Inside I’m finding the difference between what I want and what I need.  I’m picking up each piece/part of myself and trying to understand it and it’s relationship with other parts of myself.  If this does not make sense to you, click: Internal Family Therapies.  This therapeutic method works wonders for me and I feel that I am on a path to integrate the two (Parts Work and DMT) into my life and practice.

What now?

My friend and fellow Dance/Movement Therapist-in-training, Liana, posted her prayers today and I’d like to share them here because they resonate with my heart:

I pray that I seek the support that I need in 2015, have the bravery to receive it, and walk strongly toward the visions that sustain me personally and n

ourish us collectively.

I pray that I experience deeper vulnerability and greater love.

I pray for all people everywhere to rise up and protect the Earth.

I pray for the healing of the waters.

I pray that I may know my ancestors and heal myself for my great-grandchildren.

I pray for strength to speak my truths more often and utilize my privilege wisely, knowing that the work of peace and justice is never done.

I pray to listen more keenly to guidance in all forms.

I pray that I think before I speak.

I pray for more interaction with elders and children.

I pray for the deep knowing that everything is unfolding perfectly.

Aho, ase, amen.

As this year quickly came to an end, I have been reminding myself of the many things I am grateful for this year.  Here are a few:

❈ My late great uncle Chuck, who flew into my life with gentleness and ease right after my mother passed away.  I was living in New Orleans at the time, waitressing, doing alright, and then everything changed.  I was in need of financial and emotional support after having fallen into a depression, paralyzed by grief.  He diplomatically took me under his wing and showed me  he believed in me.  His support and kind words of encouragement got me through the first half of graduate school and I honestly couldn’t have done it without him.  He’s is now a guiding light and angel.  I will never forget his generosity, compassion, and perseverance.

F. Charles Froelicher - "an educator and conservationist who believed strongly in the value of the outdoors experience for strengthening young minds and bodies"   and a dear friend of mine for the last year and a half of his life.

F. Charles Froelicher – “an educator and conservationist who believed strongly in the value of the outdoors experience for strengthening young minds and bodies”
and a dear friend of mine for the last year and a half of his life.

 

Chuck as a young man.

Chuck as a young man.

 

❈ I have a wonderful relationship with the recipient of my mother’s face, Carmen Blandin Tarleton, and her love Sheldon Stein.  At times it feels surreal but there are no negative thoughts or feelings associated with this gift.  My mother’s death was out of my control and I quickly accepted this reality.  I feel lucky to be able to kiss my mother’s face on occasion and watch her lips move as Carmen speaks, smiles, and smooches.  I’m honored to continue to speak on my Mum’s behalf and the powerful gift of organ donation.  I will be speaking in San Diego in April with Carmen and am truly looking forward to seeing her.  She just became a grandma at the end of last year.  My first thought was, “wow, this grandchild will know her face as the same face I knew so well for 30 years.”  I can’t wait to meet sweet Judah.  And congratulations to Hannah and Davis.  He’s a precious little bean!

 

Sheldon (Carmen's sweetheart), Carmen, and Myself in my kitchen in Cambridge!

❈ I witnessed my mother’s bright smiling floragraph (natural material mosaic) cruise by on the Donate Life Rose Bowl Parade float on New Years day 2014.  It now resides in her hutch which sits in my bedroom in Cambridge.  What an honor – what a legacy.  Still feels like a dream.

The Rosebowl parade float unveiling.  Tears were streaming... Mom is on the top left.

The Rosebowl parade float unveiling. Tears were streaming… Mom is on the top left.

❈ Experienced my first spiritual medium, John Holland.  I was gifted two tickets by my beautiful friend Marie Pechet and out of the 60 people there, 8 or so received readings including myself.  My father came through… I now feel more connected to him more than ever.  If you’d like to know more send me a personal message.

The last summer we spent together... "Dad sees it all", is how John ended his reading ❤

The last summer we spent together… “Dad sees it all”, is how John ended his reading ❤

❈ My internship at The Guild for Human Services is a perfect fit.  I’m participating in expressive therapy groups and movement intervention with students with a wide range of disabilities – most having experienced trauma in one form or another.  This job has really put my life into perspective.  I’m learning every moment I am there and am able to exercise my enthusiasm for artistic expression and healing through movement.  It’s reassuring and validating that I was born to do this.  Loving graduate school ❤

Inside the Icosahedron in my Movement Observation and Analysis course!  Dance/Movement Therapy for life!!

Inside the Icosahedron in my Movement Observation and Analysis course! Dance/Movement Therapy for life!!

❈ I was given a miracle ticket out to Santa Cruz to meet my new fairy goddaughter, Lyra Anne, for Christmas.  My college roommate/dear friend for 13 years (along with her sweet hubby) brought a sweet gift into this world and I got to spend her first Christmas with them all.  I also played two full rounds (two of the best I’ve ever played) of disc golf at DeLaveaga park, which happened to be directly up the street from my friend’s new home. This would not have been possible without the help of my Auntie Do and Aunt Deb who knew I needed a warm and loving Christmas.

Lyra and Meme meet for the first time!

Lyra and Meme meet for the first time!

Adrianne and Justin Bortnick with their 6 week old Lyra Anne.  Blessed!

Adrianne and Justin Bortnick with their 6 week old Lyra Anne. Blessed!

Deb and I after we finished loading up the truck to move my mother's things to my home in Cambridge.

Deb and I after we finished loading up the truck to move my mother’s things to my home in Cambridge.

Hess- Foss- Righter Family!   (L: Dan Foss - Deb's son, Deb Foss, Me, Ben Hess -my aunt's son, and Donna Hess - "Auntie Do"

Hess- Foss- Righter Family!
(L: Dan Foss – Deb’s son, Deb Foss, Me, Ben Hess -my aunt’s son, and Donna Hess – “Auntie Do”

❈ My fairy godson, Jazz, down south in New Orleans.  He brightens up my day when I see his smiling face and every time I hear him say “Meme” my heart skips a beat. Because my mother never remarried or had children I’ve had to create brother and sister relationships on my own.  Jazz’s parents are a perfect example of my extended family and I’m blessed to know them.  Thank you, Good-Stone’s! I love you.

Jazz and Meme - Summer hang in RI.

Jazz and Meme – Summer hang in RI.

Good-Stone Family Love plus MeMe in the corner!

Good-Stone Family Love plus MeMe in the corner!

❈ I have the greatest friends in the world.  The amount of love and support that is given within the particular circle is never-ending.  I look forward to growing old with you all and welcome friendships as rich as those we have created through the musical web of the local Camberville (Cambridge & Somerville) music scene, Lesley’s Graduate program, and Life Alive connections.

Flowers from friends.  It reads:  We are thinking about you, praying for you, loving you, and here to support you through these dark days.  You're not alone, never alone. Love and light, The Cambridge-Somerville, Music Lovin', Dancin', Onesie wearin', Love Crew.

Flowers from friends. It reads: We are thinking about you, praying for you, loving you, and here to support you through these dark days. You’re not alone, never alone. Love and light, The Cambridge-Somerville, Music Lovin’, Dancin’, Onesie wearin’, Love Crew.

❈ Grateful to be still living in the same apartment I’ve lived in for 7 years (minus the 4 months I lived in New Orleans) in March.  It is now filled with my mother’s priceless household items… and her pendulum prisms.  Rainbows everyday.  Home sweet home.

Chai loves prisms too!

Chai loves prisms too!

Studying away in my cozy living room!

Studying away in my cozy living room!

Eye see a rainbow!

Eye see a rainbow!

As I enter this new year, uncertain as to how I can continue to attend Lesley full-time without getting a full-time job, I stay open to the possibilities of miracles.  I will continue to focus on my creative path and the healing art of Dance Movement Therapy/Expressive Therapies.  My life was not set out to be an easy one, but I do believe that making peace with my past, staying mindful in the present, and accepting the unpredictability of my future is the first step to healing and self-compassion.

Moving forward with love

Moving forward with love

Advertisements