The Faces Of Love

For your listening enjoyment while reading – Carry On by Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young

My Life Through My Lens. Self Love and introspection at 24.

 

Rarely do #TBT but I couldn’t help myself when I found this lonely picture at the bottom of a box. I was 24 and had just returned from a trip to Guinea, Africa​ with the lovely women of Marafanyi Percussion and I was starting to unravel. I was deeply moved by the connections made in Africa, though deliberately cut off communication because it was (sometimes still is) my way of coping with loss. I do not like this trait.

In this photo, my walls are covered with pictures from the summer of ’05 Bonnaroo road trip with my two besties from college, Erin and Adrianne, a gigantic poster of Dave Matthews (remember loving his lips in this shot), and a poster of Jim Morrison & his written poetry I had since I was 16​. We were single ladies open to adventure and LOVE!!

Love, the prospect of true love has always inspired me to continue to grow and be the best person I can be for myself and for the man I was going to shack up and make the babies with, haha!

The symbolism of this photograph is quite beautiful.  Did I intentionally leave a space in my heart-shaped hands for another head to fill or is that how I interpret it now? I recall there being a lot of self-love and necessary self-validation reminding me that I was in the right place during that time period. Because of this state of mind, the universe gave me all I ever asked for. I traveled the country with a couple of bands, Bonerama​ and Porter Batiste Stoltz​, from New Orleans for 2.5 years and was introduced to NO-LOVE.

Nearing the end of my time at this music promotional company, I was ready to find a man to settle down with. I was 26 and always felt I was born to be a momma. I looked for love in all the wrong places and sometimes it persistently pushed its way into my life (successfully), held on longer than necessary, and allowed me to catch a fleeting glimpse. I made mistakes but not without a lesson to follow. Some lessons repeated themselves just to make sure I was listening. Lucky me.

More than ever I can relate to that 24-year-old bright-eyed and inspired young woman; I’m single, on the right path, and open to opportunity.  The 26-year-old is present and continues to want a family.  The 32 present self welcomes these parts of herself but will not seek love.  She understands now that love will find a way because love is everywhere.  She is also wise and knows exactly what she wants and will not stay in an emotional holding pattern.

I will allow this photo to foster self-love and remind me that the right partnership will find its way. It is written.

I welcome life’s simple pleasures and will fully embrace the goddess within me, my connection to it all, and my life’s purpose.

I love you.

 

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ADD Inspired Bloggie Blog #1 – Trapper Keeper Airhead Ft. Pink Floyd

If only I could write and say exactly what I thought.  I would love to know how many thoughts I have in a day.  Wait, even better; in a given 30 seconds.  I have recently been diagnosed with ADD.  This did not come as a surprise to me but no one, not even my teachers, ever mentioned that perhaps the reason I was… ADD.  I kid you not, at parent-teacher conference night my fourth grade teacher told my mother that I was an “airhead” because I kept forgetting my trapper keeper at school.  That’s right, I had the COOLEST trapper keeper that had a cute closeup of a Doxen Dog. Oh my, I just looked up Doxen Hound and found this lil love nugget: 

 She also admitted to hiding it from me as a test to see if I would look for it.  That was her “benefit of the doubt” story.  She said I panicked, as she laughed. My mother wouldn’t allow me to come back for my last year of elementary school.

Wow, it’s been 1 1/2 hours since I started this blog.  When I first started this sentence it was “15 minutes I have returned to prove that I’ve had ADHD my whole life.  Sorry, got caught up on friend’s interesting facebook articles and then decided to update my status because I was feeling awful about missing one of my favorite bands because my heart was heavy and I didn’t(?) know anyone else who was going.”  

6.30.13 from 10:03-10:23PM – “Indecisiveness is going to be the death of me, I tell ya! I don’t remember the last time I didn’t go see a band, whom I LOVE, because I didn’t know of anyone else who was going. I know it would be great for me to let it out and DANCE but I still feel like I’m going to fall apart. Very much out of character BUT I remind myself that I am still in a transformational stage am and learning to fly again. So many obstacles to overcome but grad school starts in two months. Oh my heart. Oh my healing.” 

I’ve always felt overwhelmed about the many unfinished projects I have.  I always feel that there aren’t enough hours in the day.  I’m always thinking about my love relationship and/or friend’s who need some extra healing thoughts. Now, that has magnified.  I think of my mother all of the time.  We’re closer than I ever thought possible and that just makes my new life that much more challenge.  It’s manifests mind and body.  I’m in pain all of the time 😦 I’m glad I’m able to write. 

Lately, I’ve been keeping busy by excessively cleaning, writing, driving around… but really nothing for myself.  The answers are out there.  I have all the tools I need – music, mobility, an open heart…  

Speaking of tools, I need to go sow a dress.  It’s vintage with a Puritan-like (in a cool way) style; flowy bell short sleeves and lace for a high belt… I float in it… and I would rather not go another day without it. 

 Keep Talking. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qoDmX8EdVBQ

“For millions of years mankind lived just like the animals
Then something happenend which unleashed the power of our imagination
We learned to talk

There’s a silence surrounding me
I can’t seem to think straight
I’ll sit in the corner
No one can bother me
I think I should speak now ___________ Why won’t you talk to me
I can’t seem to speak now ____________ You never talk to me
My words won’t come out right ________ What are you thinking
I feel like I’m drowning _____________ What are you feeling
I’m feeling weak now _________________ Why won’t you talk to me
But I can’t show my weakness _________ You never talk to me
I sometimes wonder ___________________ What are you thinking
Where do we go from here _____________ What are you feeling

It doesn’t have to be like this
All we need to do is make sure we keep talking

Why won’t you talk to me _____________ I feel like I’m drowning
You never talk to me _________________ You know I can’t breathe now
What are you thinking ________________ We’re going nowhere
What are you feeling _________________ We’re going nowhere

Why won’t you talk to me
You never talk to me
What are you thinking
Where do we go from here

It doesn’t have to be like this
All we need to do is make sure we keep talking”

Love, 

Marinda Snow Love

 

PS.  Love yourself.